8. Keep your conversations as private as possible.
You just ran into an old college friend you haven't seen in years on the 71? Oh my god, what are the odds? No, don't tell me the odds, I don't fucking care. And spare us the details of that "cu-raaazy party" you threw in the quad your senior year. We don't give a shit. Of course you can talk- we aren't some kind of fascist dictatorship that doesn't believe in fun, please- just don't yell above the general din so that all of us are forced to listen to you.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Rule # 7
Let's all remember, Muni is a public transportation method. Which means it is open to the public. Which means it is not your personal chariot to nowheresville. Why do I mention this?
7. Wear headphones if you are listening to music.
I don't care if your skinny jeans were painted on your ass by the newest jean designer to be deemed hip by the Mission masses, or if you are wearing a ripped Van Halen t-shirt you bought at Crossroads because "thrifting is cool." I don't even care if I *like* the song playing at the moment. You are not the official fucking Muni DJ. Put your headphones on and keep it to a reasonable decible. I should not feel the bass in my sternum. Did you pay my fare? No you fucking didn't. So don't dictate what I am going to listen to during this godforsaken ride.
7. Wear headphones if you are listening to music.
I don't care if your skinny jeans were painted on your ass by the newest jean designer to be deemed hip by the Mission masses, or if you are wearing a ripped Van Halen t-shirt you bought at Crossroads because "thrifting is cool." I don't even care if I *like* the song playing at the moment. You are not the official fucking Muni DJ. Put your headphones on and keep it to a reasonable decible. I should not feel the bass in my sternum. Did you pay my fare? No you fucking didn't. So don't dictate what I am going to listen to during this godforsaken ride.
Rule # 6
We're back to space, people. Because there is nothing more irritating than being on a crowded train or bus and realizing you would be significantly less crowded if the assholes around you followed this rule.
6. Sit down if a seat opens up.
You would think that this would be a no brainer, right? And yet people ignore this rule each and every day. A seat opens up and despite the fact that the train is packed and it's impossible to move, no one sits down. Don't feel guilty, fellow Muni passengers. You are actually doing us all a favor by taking a seat and moving the fuck out of the aisle. So sit the fuck down.
6. Sit down if a seat opens up.
You would think that this would be a no brainer, right? And yet people ignore this rule each and every day. A seat opens up and despite the fact that the train is packed and it's impossible to move, no one sits down. Don't feel guilty, fellow Muni passengers. You are actually doing us all a favor by taking a seat and moving the fuck out of the aisle. So sit the fuck down.
Rule # 5
While we are on the topic of personal hygiene, this seems like an appropriate point for rule number 5. This is a particularly upsetting rule, one that shouldn't have to exist. Why? Because really, it should go without saying.
5. Do not cut your finger or toenails on public transit.
Again, the fact that this has to be a stated rule is deeply upsetting, but the aforementioned abhorrent behavior has been witnessed by numerous folks affiliated with Muni Etiquette, so we have to put it out there. For reals. Cutting your nails in public is downright disgusting. Cutting them on public transit, where they may (indeed, are guaranteed to) fly into the face of the poor sucker sitting next to you, is seriously sick and twisted. Do that shit in your bathroom AT HOME. Not on Muni, you disgusting freak.
5. Do not cut your finger or toenails on public transit.
Again, the fact that this has to be a stated rule is deeply upsetting, but the aforementioned abhorrent behavior has been witnessed by numerous folks affiliated with Muni Etiquette, so we have to put it out there. For reals. Cutting your nails in public is downright disgusting. Cutting them on public transit, where they may (indeed, are guaranteed to) fly into the face of the poor sucker sitting next to you, is seriously sick and twisted. Do that shit in your bathroom AT HOME. Not on Muni, you disgusting freak.
Rule # 4
Up to this point, the rule have all be focused on personal space. As in, make sure your personal space doesn't get in the way of the other 248 people on the train or bus because it's not all about you, actually.
And while the next rule doesn't fall into the personal space category, it definitely pertains to you personally. That is:
4. Wear deodorant and bathe regularly.
Frankly, this is a rule you should follow regardless of your use of public transit. You owe it to the other people in this world- we do not care to smell your body odor. No really, we don't. So fucking put on deodorant. It's especially important on public transportation because chances are, this train is crowded and my nose is in your armpit- I do not care to inhale your unadulterated funk. Adulterate that shit, and fast. With a deodorant that works- I'm looking at you, "crystal rock" deodorant people. No, it doesn't work. Not for any of you.
And while the next rule doesn't fall into the personal space category, it definitely pertains to you personally. That is:
4. Wear deodorant and bathe regularly.
Frankly, this is a rule you should follow regardless of your use of public transit. You owe it to the other people in this world- we do not care to smell your body odor. No really, we don't. So fucking put on deodorant. It's especially important on public transportation because chances are, this train is crowded and my nose is in your armpit- I do not care to inhale your unadulterated funk. Adulterate that shit, and fast. With a deodorant that works- I'm looking at you, "crystal rock" deodorant people. No, it doesn't work. Not for any of you.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Rule # 3
3. Take off your backpack.
Seriously. Take it the fuck off. Hold it by the straps in your hand. Why? Because then it will be near your feet. WHERE THERE IS EXTRA SPACE. Unlike on your back, where you will, guaranteed, smack into the backs, boobs, and faces of everyone within 5 feet. Did you pay for two people? No, I didn't think so. So don't take up a second space, you jerk!
Seriously. Take it the fuck off. Hold it by the straps in your hand. Why? Because then it will be near your feet. WHERE THERE IS EXTRA SPACE. Unlike on your back, where you will, guaranteed, smack into the backs, boobs, and faces of everyone within 5 feet. Did you pay for two people? No, I didn't think so. So don't take up a second space, you jerk!
Rule # 2
Again, plenty of rules could fall into the number two slot. But we're focused on ease of use at this point, because who needs to worry about body odor or personal space if you can't actually access the train or bus, right? Right. So without further ado, Muni rule number 2 is:
2. Step away from the door when people are exiting.
That means you GET OFF THE FUCKING BUS (or train) if you are standing in the door! Get out of the way, a-hole! Yes, even you, skinny dude standing sideways. Please. As if it's so inconvenient. Think about it this way- you get out of the way, people can exit in a timely manner, you get back on, and the bus or train departs that much faster. And why do you want to be in the way anyway? Are you getting off on people rubbing up on you? Gross. Move, buster.
2. Step away from the door when people are exiting.
That means you GET OFF THE FUCKING BUS (or train) if you are standing in the door! Get out of the way, a-hole! Yes, even you, skinny dude standing sideways. Please. As if it's so inconvenient. Think about it this way- you get out of the way, people can exit in a timely manner, you get back on, and the bus or train departs that much faster. And why do you want to be in the way anyway? Are you getting off on people rubbing up on you? Gross. Move, buster.
Rule # 1
To be sure, there are a number of ways that you, as a Muni passenger, can improve the experience for others. But we think that the number one way to improve the rider experience is this:
1. Move away from the doors after entering.
There is nothing more fucking irritating than someone who enters a train or bus and then stops, thus blocking everyone behind him or her from getting on. And you know what? Yes. Yes you do need to move all the way into the middle. Too fucking bad that it's inconvenient for getting off- we're getting on here, people! Worry about getting off later.
1. Move away from the doors after entering.
There is nothing more fucking irritating than someone who enters a train or bus and then stops, thus blocking everyone behind him or her from getting on. And you know what? Yes. Yes you do need to move all the way into the middle. Too fucking bad that it's inconvenient for getting off- we're getting on here, people! Worry about getting off later.
Welcome!
Welcome to Muni Etiquette, a comprehensive list of rules for surviving and thriving on Muni, San Francisco's beleaguered public transit system. The goal of this blog is to help you be a more considerate rider. Because there is nothing worse than riding on a mediocre transit system with jerks who have no manners. Right?
Let's be clear- the San Francisco Municipal Railway pretty much sucks. On any given day, you may arrive at the train station to discover that trains aren't running for one of 3204983 reasons known only to Muni officials. If you depend on buses, you can just assume that your commute will take 3 times longer than it should, every day. This blog is no love letter to Muni- no ma'am.
But the real purpose here is to lay some ground rules for the poor suckers who have to ride Muni every day, multiple times a day, to get to and from work. A well-trained passengery would make life better for everyone in that situation. So read and learn, assholes.
Let's be clear- the San Francisco Municipal Railway pretty much sucks. On any given day, you may arrive at the train station to discover that trains aren't running for one of 3204983 reasons known only to Muni officials. If you depend on buses, you can just assume that your commute will take 3 times longer than it should, every day. This blog is no love letter to Muni- no ma'am.
But the real purpose here is to lay some ground rules for the poor suckers who have to ride Muni every day, multiple times a day, to get to and from work. A well-trained passengery would make life better for everyone in that situation. So read and learn, assholes.
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